John was seated behind his desk and pointed me to a couch opposite. ‘Are you OK? You look a little flushed.’ ‘I think I am. I’m feeling really happy but sort of nervous too.’ I was so many things at once I couldn’t keep track of them. Thrilled, nervous, excited and ashamed were there. But so were infatuation with Janice and John, a fear of being used and a mad, burning desire to be accepted by him. ‘The thing about T nodules is making you nervous. Yes. I can understand that.’ He paused to look straight in my eyes. ‘But I told you it was good news, right?’ ‘Yes, but how…?’ ‘It will take a few minutes to explain. I want you to listen very carefully, and to remember my explanation. Can you do that?’ ‘I’ll try.’ But I’m thinking other things. Like, he’s so much smarter than me I doubt I’ll follow this and, wow!, is he attractive. ‘You took biology in high school, right?’ I nodded and flashed back to me and Cindy in the back row of boring old Mr. Simms class. We barely cracked the book. I doubted he had been as energetic as Mike had been but then perhaps he had strengths he had never demonstrated to me. I suppose that in a way, from then on we developed an unspoken agreement between us – that what either of us got up to when I was away was ‘private territory’. Often one or the other would make a special effort either the night before I went away or my first night home, not always, but more often than not. I guess in doing that we were convincing the other – and perhaps ourselves as well – that this was the permanent part of our lives, the other events were a side-show. The freedom I and in fact I suppose, we had given ourselves changed my attitude to my job in several ways. For one thing I was less reluctant to be away for two or three days, previously I had often tried to cram several things into one day, so I could get home to John at night. Now I gave myself as much time as I thought the job really needed, so of course I began to get better results, the clients.
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